Believe you can shine when you're silver
by Schwerelos
Summary: Thomas' thoughts about his life after all of what happened and all the changes. Thoughts on love, humanity and family. Thomas Raith, mentions of Harry. Thomas - Justine. Spoilers for TDF until Blood Rites.


**Characters/Pairings**: Thomas Raith, mentions of Harry. Thomas - Justine  
**Warnings**: Spoilers for TDF until Blood Rites.  
**Summary**: Thomas' thoughts about his life after all of what happened and all the changes. Thoughts on love, humanity and family.

**Notes**: Very much inspired on this song: For my brother - Blue October. I'd recommend reading it while listening to it. Also, Thomas turned out to be a very introspective muse.

**&**

It has been weeks since… well, since everything happened. Since we faced death and I thought it would be the end of me for real. Harry has another take on the matter, since he says he's so used to these life-or-death situations.

I'm not sure if it's a good thing that he manages to say that with a smiling face.

_You're simply saying everything if you will_

Thus, it's been weeks already since we're sharing his… apartment. If it can be called that. It's a basement, but a comfy one, and Harry doesn't complain. Much. I'm not very fond of the small chambers but this is only a temporary thing until I manage to put my life back in place again. It's not like I can complain much either, it's rather nice, and Harry and I make a nice duo, if a very suspicious one.

_You live inside my wall_

Mouse and Mister are the masters of the house, of course. It took Mister a couple of days, but he finally gave up and grew sort of fond of the puppy. As much as a cat will ever admit to. Mouse doesn't mind. He seems happy to live with us, even if we're a rather weird group. Harry and Mouse were meant for each other, seriously. They hang out together most of the time, even when Harry insists that it will be dangerous, the puppy won't take no for an answer.

He's a brave one, Mouse. He's faced creatures and monsters others would only see in their nightmares and couldn't confront even in dreams. I'd say he's gained his right to be Harry's regular sidekick.

_You're such a line to break_

Me? I'm a mess. I keep thinking of her, always of her, all the time. I think I'll need at least months to let the pain subdue, if anything. I'm not sure if it'll ever go.

I loved her so, I shouldn't have, but I couldn't help myself. She was so very sweet and caring and she thought of me as something more than just a monster—as more than only what I am.

We grew so close without me noticing—or maybe it was only that I didn't want to notice it, I didn't want to admit to myself that I could feel that way, that I had been weak enough to let her get to me, reach for my hear, my soul.

It was me who fed off her; it was her who made me so hungry for her touch, for her kisses.  
For her.

She stole my heart and I took her life away.

_And I'm so scared to make another mistake in the end_

She'll be okay. I think, I suppose. She has to. Lara promised to take care of her and I know she was a bit fond of her, so I'm sure she won't break her promise, on this matter, at least.

She better not or there will be no vampire or demon in the world that could stop me from getting revenge then.

But I won't see her. Not again. Not only because I can't get close to the Raith Mannor now, but also because I've caused her so much pain… She deserves better, so much better. I wouldn't want to further destroy what little life she has.

_But I just want to be happy __again_

I still keep thinking of her, nonetheless. I can't stop myself. She was everything I had; she was my life, my companion, my lover. She was never meant to mean so much to me, never. She was only food, I told myself, even though I knew I was only lying to myself, and badly, because I knew, I knew that she meant more to me than anyone else in the world had ever had.

God, I miss her.

_Until it all falls down__  
And where does that leave me_

Life goes on, though, and time won't stop for no one. I might act like the world turns around me, as Harry likes to say every now and then, but I know time won't stop for a mere vampire, even one as self-centered as myself.

I have to keep feeding. I feel dirty. Don't get me wrong, I have always been open-minded and done what I fancied—or as much as I could under the Raith roof—and I think little of what's wrong and right regarding relationships and sex and hanging out and having fun. I'm all for having fun, I am.

But... it's too soon. I still feel her lips and hands over mine and all over my body. And I belonged to her, I did, and just going around and seducing young ladies and feeding off them, I… it makes me feel so twisted, so dirty, like betraying her memory, what she was, what she is.

What she still means to me—and perhaps always will.

_I've got so many things to say_

Sometimes I wished I could go and talk to her. Forgetting who we are, what we were, forgetting the world around us and let it just be the two of us and let nothing else in the world matter. Not anymore, not when we're together.

Wished I could tell her what I feel, what I've always felt, and tell her that I'm sorry, so sorry, so very sorry and that she is worth more, so much more and that I could give her my own life if I could, if there was a way.

I can almost imagine what she would say, how she would scold me for thinking something like that.

To live my life, she would tell me. To go on.  
But how could I ever do it without her.

_With a broken heart and a straight face_

Not that I have any options, I know. I don't. I am what I am and that's what has left her in the state she is and I just can't see her anymore. Not as I would like to, anyway. Maybe from afar, maybe in a couple of months we'll cross paths again. Maybe after she recovers –she has to, has to– she'll be around again and hanging out at social events and maybe she'll meet someone else and maybe…

I'm thinking far too away in the future.

_I'm in another place to be_

I look around, I'm in Harry's what could be called living room, drinking a beer. I still can't completely believe I am here and we're together… wait, that sounds wrong, but it's true. It feels so weird in more than one way. Weeks ago, I was still the bastard son of Lord Raith living under his roof, his rules and his death assaults. Now I'm here, in this tiny, little apartment, sharing it with my brother, my brother, and we're living together and it feels so much like home than the Raith Mannor ever did.

I tell you, it's so weird.

_I can't sleep without the thought of me being so  
So damned sick_

Harry disapproves of my customs. Yeah, I know, it's not like he has that much authority to disapprove of anything to begin with, what with his running around saving the world and eating little and sleeping even less. And I'm just here, I go out every other night and feed off some girl that's willing to spend her night with me and then I come back and I sleep until noon or so.

Whenever I wake up and Harry's home, he always has this serious look on his face, as if he were mom, or something, scolding the child for misbehaving.

Oh, but I know, I know what he disapproves of, but I can't do anything about it.

_Take this song,__  
Take this song away  
Until it all falls down  
And where does that leave me_

I think, rather, he likes me hanging out with people most of the nights, if it weren't for my feeding. He likes to see me up and around, being my adorable self, rather than sulking around in a corner of the living room. He even told me one day when I was feeling particularly blue that my sulking would breed mushrooms around the house and he won't accept that.

He has a lousy sense of humor, my brother.

It's not as if I like sulking a lot. Don't look at me like that, I don't. I just can't help it, sometimes. It's too soon, too soon, and I can't take her image away from my mind. I can't stop thinking one time and again that maybe, perhaps, I should've died then and let her live her life.

Harry hates it when I start thinking things like that. He's even threatened me to punch me again in the face each time he sees me being stupid.

I know by that how much he cares.

_Things, things,__  
I've got so many things to say_

I would've never thought, not really, that I would be here one day. Here meaning, with my brother by my side. It feels so different from just knowing I have a brother out there and he might be jumping off buildings and rescuing damsels in distress and dear older brother has to go and rescue him from messing up even further and ending up killed in the process.

I mean, it's actually having a brother, completely, because he knows and we're here and it's like something that we both needed and never thought we could have. I'm not sure if I'd ever told Harry he was my brother if not for the circumstances, I mean, who could've blamed me? He wouldn't have believed me, he didn't, actually, it took a soulgaze, the most deep and memorable soulgaze for him to believe me. But I bet he knew, deep in his heart. He knew, just like I felt I'd always known once I learned that I had a baby brother.

_With a broken heart and a straight face_

I'm not sure if Harry feels too happy with having an incubus brother and I still don't feel strong enough to ask him, but I guess he doesn't mind that much or he wouldn't have saved me back then.

Then again, it's something Harry does on a daily basis; he doesn't think much, he just acts and reacts and jumps, literally, to the fire and saves lives. Yup, that's my brother, that's who he is, he goes and runs around and saves people from all the ugly things that haunt this world.

He charges for it, but it's not like you could blame him. I mean, the man's got to make a living.

And he makes me feel so proud.

_And he says reach for the girl__  
Reach for the girl  
And hold her close_

He knows how I feel, my brother. He has lost someone he loves dearly as well. It's different and an uncomfortable and touchy subject, especially right now, so we don't talk much about it. But there's this silent understanding, this tacit sort of 'been there, lost that' and it makes me feel even less of a stranger.

I can relate to him, in more ways than one and especially about this… Sucks to be us, I guess: we're two dashing, young men, single and available, and with a broken heart. Yay.

It's… not that bad. Not all the time. I mean, it could be worse, definitely worse and we're here and it feels like home. And… and we have each other.

Man, I'm starting to sound cheesy.

_Believe you can shine when you're silve__r  
And I promise you gold_

I've never been too fond of what I've been, I just had to get used to it and work with it for as long as I've known. No one ever gave me another chance: that was the way it was between the Raiths. I've never thought too much of myself, either. Harry would laugh if I said that out loud. He would laugh and mock me for all eternity. It's ironic, I know, but with all my towering ego and such, I've always disliked the nature of what I truly am, inside.

And then my brother comes and says that that's not who I am, not really.  
He believes in lost causes, that he does.

_Whenever you're dark inside__  
Don't let go  
No, don't let go_

He told me one time, after we were having dinner (what, I do love eating, in the regular sense of the word) and we were both quiet and I had that 'suspicious look', as he likes to call it, he told me that I shouldn't let anything make me think that my Hunger defined me.

He told me that I was as much human as I was vampire and that it was I who chose which of those I would let rule my life.

_Remember I love you the same_

He told me that we were still brothers, no matter what.

Sometimes I just don't know where he gets all the strength, my brother.

_And I'll strangle your pain_

Having him around is… good for me. Very good for me. Harry's so very human and practical and even if his sense of humor is not the best, he's fun to have around. He distracts me from thinking stuff that I don't really want to think about and it feels better to have someone around to talk with and just ramble about random things.

It's made me feel more alive than never before in my life, ironically.

_And he tells me to sing__  
And I sing and I sing  
For my brother who keeps me sane  
And tells me  
Everything will be okay_

So, it's just us, for now. And Mouse and Mister, of course. And Bob. It's a normal household, really. There's the two masters and the two little brothers and the pervy uncle.

We'll manage, I'm sure. I'll manage; I'm just still getting the hang of it. Of this. Of being more of a human than a vampire.

But hey, I have my brother and he has me and even though things are totally wrong they have never felt so right.

The power of family, I guess.  
Who would've thought.


End file.
